I don't know that it is allowed to tell jokes like this... but... anyway:
A woman has stung by a bee in the golf course. She went to the director and she's complaining to him:
- A bee has stung me!
- Where?
- Between the first and the second hole.
- Why are you golfing in a big fork like that?
A guy one day gets a knock at his door. He opens it and doesn't see anybody. He looks down and notices a snail who says, "Can we talk?". The guy picks the snail up and throws it across the street, "Get the fuck outta here".
Three years ago he gets another knock on the door. Again he sees no one but when he looks down he sees a snail who says, "what the fuck was that about?"
'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty
years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, loudly, then
fell laughing to the floor, crying/laughing hysterically, unable to
catch her breath.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.
Clearing her throat and being serious, she felt awful. 'I am so sorry,'
said the nurse. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a
nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what
seems to be the problem?'
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to m y wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' & And then the fight started ...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security . The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started...
Boss to employee - "I've been told, in these times of recession and the credit crunch, that keeping a sense of humour is really important in the workplace. So here we go! Knock, knock?"
If the Global Economic Crisis continues,by the end of the year only 2 banks will be left operating.The Blood Bank & The Sperm Bank.When they merge,will they be run by bloody wankers too ?
