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  2. It's gonna hurt....

  3. CHAV NATIVITY.....


    Pupil One: Do you hear what we 'erd, right, there's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin.

    Pupil two: Wossat then? A train?

    Pupil three: She's not married or nuffink. But she's got this boyfriend Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. May lives with him in a crib down Nazaref. Well anyways, one day right Mary meets this bloke Gabriel right.

    Pupil two: Gabriel? What sorta name's that den?

    Pupil one: Dunno, sounds Chavvy to me.

    Pupil two: Innit! Bruv.

    Pupil three: She's like 'Ooo ya looking at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked.

    Pupil two: Innit?

    Pupil one: She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

    Pupil two: Yeah right! Bet she was a right goer.

    Pupil three: Well, see the thing is she hadn't bin wiv no-one. Honest! So Mary goes and sees her cousing Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Bacardi breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary. I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed.

    Pupil two: Think of all the extra benefits an' that that they are gonna get. Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right.

    Pupil one: Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponce a donkey an' go dahn Beflehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?

    Pupil two: No surprised, I'd wanna pint an all.

    Pupil one: Nah, to have her bay-bee an' that.

    Pupil two: What, have the kid in the pub? That's outers, people in the pub having a quiet pint then in comes this bird screaming and hollering 'n stuff. Put me off me drink that would!

    Pupil three: Shut up will ya! See the fing is there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

    Pupil two: On that's gross, near turned my guts that as!

    Pupil three: Well then, these free geezers turn up, looking proper bling wiv crowns on their 'eads. They're like 'Respect, baby-bee Jesus,' an' say they're wise men from the East End.

    Pupil two: What Minty and the Mitchell brothers?

    Pupil one: On shut up! Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas, and Burberry?'

    Pupil two: On yeah, that's proper stuff to give to a kid.

    Pupil three: Well. Then blow me, some Welsh bloke's turn up wiv a sheep, well it's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sex he's got another message from this Lord geezer.

    Pupil two: Shoulda used his mobile, he sounds a proper nutter.

    Pupil three: Shut it! Anyways he's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin' all the baby-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.

    Pupil one: Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' down Egypt on a minging donkey.'

    Pupil two: Wouldn't get me on no minging donkey. Went on one at Margate in the summer, it proper stunk.

    Pupil one: Will you give it a rest? Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go down Egypt till they've stopped killin' the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

    Pupil two: Wicked! Wherdya hear about all this den?

    Pupil one: Dunno, can't remember.

    Pupil two: Well what yous getting for Christmas this year?

    Pupil three: Dunno, perhaps a bita bling. I don't see wat all the fuss is about Christmas, it's just an excuse to get stuffed and fall asleep in front of the telly innit?

    Pupil two: Yeah bruv. Innit?




  4. brilliant!!!! Thanks a lot Gary!!!
    still laughing mate!!!
  5. I ate a christmas decoration and now I've got tinselitis
  7. WHO IS JACK SCHITT? A Genealogy Nichtmare 
     
    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
    ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
    Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
    intellectual way. 
     
    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
    magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
    had one son, Jack. 
     
    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
    produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
    Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. 
     
    Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
    high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
    divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
    were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
    then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. 
     
    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
    a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
    children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
    childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
    ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
    Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
    and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
    He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
    Schitt. 
     
    Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
    them. 
     
  8. Maybe one of the lads from the Emerald Island can give us a hint about what this lad is saying....
    hehe!! enjoy!!

  9. Flight of the Conchords


  10. Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

    It later turned out to be a tax disc.
  11. Originally posted by gmc:Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

    It later turned out to be a tax disc.


    Haha very good
  12. Russians sent a telegraph to Slovakia after we won the Hopman Cup (tennis) final against them

    Congrats to your win.stop.You were better.stop.Gas.stop



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Contribute to the U2 community with uploading photos or by telling us which shows you have visited.
Contribute to the U2 community with uploading photos or by telling us which shows you have visited.