U2start.com | General Humour Topic

Originally posted by germcevoy:Paddy englishman and paddy irish man are among 9 men lined up in an identity parade as suspects in the rape of a woman. As the woman enters paddy irishman suddenly steps forward and shouts 'thats her, the ungrateful fat bitch!'

lmao, that's great

I've put this video on my iPod lol!

u2spear

15 years

Originally posted by U2Nick:[..]

lmao, that's great

[YouTube Video]

I've put this video on my iPod lol!

This video is well funny LOL, sooo true

JohnnyVOXX

15 years

THE PURINA DIET

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

JohnnyVOXX

15 years

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they

were killing each other over 25 cents!

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was:

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 freaking cents!!!!!!

JohnnyVOXX

15 years

Story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter , a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story.....

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches

I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it..
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story ....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

MWSAH

15 years

Originally posted by JohnnyVOXX:Story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter , a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story.....

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches

I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it..
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story ....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

gmc

15 years

...you've just got to laugh...

JohnnyVOXX

15 years

Originally posted by gmc:...you've just got to laugh...

[YouTube Video]

sorry.... but that's not real is it???

U2Nick

15 years

Originally posted by gmc:...you've just got to laugh...

[YouTube Video]

That's hysterical, in a terrible way lol

blink

15 years

Originally posted by JohnnyVOXX:Story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter , a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story.....

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches

I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it..
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story ....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

I know a joke very similar to this one...

JohnnyVOXX

15 years

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.
'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of
the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer
and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am
tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was
fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to
sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's
answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he
has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was
saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the
trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge
lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my
trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like,
and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just
by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike
turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the
eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand,
looked at me, and said,
'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*ck would you have said?

U2Nick

15 years

Johnny, your posts are always great

Look at this:

I swear, I did not edit that in any way lmao. (The advertisement on the right side of the screen)

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