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  1. Cooking with Bono
  2. Originally posted by Ali709Someone's found a way to spend less...eh? >>

    [image]


  3. Bye, Bill

  4. Originally posted by drewhigginsOr they've discovered a massive hole in the wall. I don't know how many of you saw this but apparently it's made world news (on CNN and BBC anyway):

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7187497.stm

    [..]

    Now the funny part isn't about the damage - but click that link and look at the tool. He's feeling sorry for himself...I'll bet. Yeah right.

    So how come this thread hasn't got 125 pages like General Chat? It's just as good!



    amazing!! haha


  6. A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
    She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
    After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
    of shoes for free!"
    The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
    The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
    As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
    With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
    Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
    The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
    The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
    Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
    "DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!"


    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
    "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
    "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
    "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
    "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
    "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
    "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother ~ 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
    "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
    "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
    "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
    "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I wa s pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
    "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
    "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
    "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"


    At dawn the telephone rang. 'Master Buzzy? This is Arnaldo, your country house caretaker.'
    'Yes Arnaldo. What can I do for you, is there a problem?'
    'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Sir, that your parrot died.'
    'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?'
    'That's the one.'
    'Dammit, that's such a pity - I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well, what did he die from?'
    'From eating rotten meat.'
    'Who was mean enough to give him rotten meat?'
    'Nobody. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
    'What dead horse Arnaldo?'
    'That pure breed stallion of yours, Sir, the one that came first in the Kentucky Derby. It died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
    'Are you insane? What water cart?'
    'The one we used to put out the fire.'
    'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
    'The one at your house. A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire.'
    'But there's electricity at the house - what was the candle for?
    'For the funeral.'
    'What bloody funeral!'
    'Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver.'
    [Long silence]
    'Arnaldo if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit'


    There are several men in the locker room of a golf club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
    * Hello?
    * Honey, It's me.
    * Sugar!
    * Are you at the club?
    * Yes,
    * Great! I am at the mall . I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?
    * What's the price?
    * Only $1,500.00
    * Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...
    * Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2008 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...
    * What price did he quote you?
    * Only $96,000...
    * OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
    * Great! Before we hang up, something else...
    * What?
    * It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...
    * How much are they asking?
    * Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...
    * Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?
    * OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!
    * Bye... I do too...
    The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
    * Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?


    A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:
    "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
    The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
    The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
    Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.
    The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from:
    The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
    Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of them."


    A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
    No one answered.
    ''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
    Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
    The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''


    After a long persuasion, wife finally talk her husband into going to play some golf...she has never played it and she was so eager to give it a try.
    And as it was expected, her very first shot ended on the beautiful house near the golf course, breaking window.
    Husband gone mad: "I told you to be careful! Now we must go there to apologize and pay for a damage!"
    They've knocked at the door and some pleasant voice from inside call them to enter inside.
    After they've got in, they saw that not just a window was broken, but the beautiful old antique vase was lying down on the floor in pieces.
    On the sofa was sitting a young gentleman:
    - "Are you a couple which broke my window and the vase?"
    - "Yes sir, we are terribly sorry about that."
    - "Nah, don't apologize, you've just made me a favour and I'm very gratitude to you. You know, I'm a genie who was trapped in that vase for a thousand years and now when you broke it, you actually set me free, so, to show you mine gratitude I would like to fulfill you 3 wishes...but if you won't have anything against, I would like to dedicate to you and your wife one wish and the last one I would like to save for me...is that ok?"
    - "Wow, that's fantastic!" - yells the husband and continues gleefully:
    - "I want million dollars through every year till the end of my life!"
    - "No problem" - says the genie - "And by the way, I guarantee you a long and healthy life. And what can I do for you mrs?"
    - "Hmmm...I want a great house with servants in every country on the world!"
    - "You can count on that, it's all settled and not just that, your houses will be safe from fire, burglarizes and all kinds of natural disasters."
    - "And now, can we know what is your wish?" - asks a couple all at once.
    - "Well, after I was trapped in that vase soooo looong, I would really appreciate to allow me few hours of sex with your wife."
    Husband looks at his wife and says: -"Well, you know my darling, now we are rich and we have all those houses...so what do you think?"
    She thought for a moment and says: -"Well, it's not all right, but I think I could live with that...what do you think my darling husband?"
    -"Well darling, you know I love you, but let's do this and after that we'll both live in wealth and happiness to the rest of our lives."
    And after that, genie and wife went up in bedroom when they've stayed to the end of day enjoying in sex in all poses. Genie was insatiable and after few hours of wild sex, he looks at woman and asks: -"Excuse me, but can you tell me how old are you and your husband?"
    - "Well, my husband and I have 35 years each."
    - "No kidding!? You are both 35 years old and you both still believe in genies!?!?"
  7. yuri31

    Oh my friend!! awesome!!! you got me laughing a while on the floor my friend!!
    thanks for sharing!!!


  8. ''its a trap''

    LOOOOOOOOL
  9. Not quite as funny as Cooking with Bono, but still:

  11. Originally posted by JohnnyVOXXyuri31

    Oh my friend!! awesome!!! you got me laughing a while on the floor my friend!!
    thanks for sharing!!!





    There are a lot of great Slovak and Czech jokes, but I can't translate them because there are no special phrases in English like in my language ...but I will try something...

    A woman in traffic is like a cow on a horse race

    "Doctor, what's wrong with me?!"
    "Hmm...I will let you know after the autopsy."

    On a company meeting the boss asks:
    "What will we produce when we will work on 125%?"
    Someone answers: "A shit and a quarter."

    "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word. It means "bad hunter".
  12. "This machine will make one half of the work instead of you, sir."
    "Allright, I will buy two."

    What's the average speed of woman in the shops? 100£ph
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