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  2. WISDOM COMES WITH AGE

    A 75 year old man who loves to fish
    was sitting in his boat the other day
    when he heard a voice say
    'Pick me up.'

    He looked around and couldn't see any one.

    He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,

    'Pick me up.'

    He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

    The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

    The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

    Pick me up then, and kiss me. I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

    I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

    Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

    I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

    'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


  3. Originally posted by JohnnyVOXX:WISDOM COMES WITH AGE

    A 75 year old man who loves to fish
    was sitting in his boat the other day
    when he heard a voice say
    'Pick me up.'

    He looked around and couldn't see any one.

    He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,

    'Pick me up.'

    He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

    The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

    The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

    Pick me up then, and kiss me. I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

    I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

    The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

    Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

    I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

    He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

    'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'





    Hahahahahahahahaha
    Tha-tha-tha-that's a cracker
  4. 65 Year Old Joke

    A 65 years old man, healthy looks, well dressed has mid 20's
    beautiful blonde draped on arm.

    Walking along the street they pass a jewellery store and the man says,
    "I would like to buy you a present, what would you like"?

    The blonde says, "a ring would be nice".

    He asks the jeweller to pull out a tray of rings. The blonde
    tries them on and admires them.

    The man says "how much are these rings"?

    The jeweller says "between $2,500 and $4,000 each".

    The suave man then says "no, we want some really good rings, please
    bring out the really good rings".

    The jeweller puts away the tray and brings out the really good rings.

    The young lady tries them on and really likes them.

    The man asks the price of the various rings.

    The jeweller says "this one $38,000, this one $42,000, this one $45,000".

    The man responds "no, we want to have your best rings available please".

    The jeweller goes to his safe and brings out the best rings he has
    available.

    The mid 20's blonde takes an immediate like to one particular ring.

    The man asks "how much is that"?

    The jeweller responds "$85,000".

    The man says "Right, we will have that ring".

    The man then explains that his wallet was stolen with his credit cards
    in it but he does have his cheque book. He asks the jeweller "do you
    accept cheques"?

    The jeweller explains it is after hours and he could not clear it until
    Monday morning.

    The man says "not to worry I will leave the cheque with you over the
    weekend together with the ring and I will come Monday morning to
    collect the ring".

    The man returns on Monday morning to be told by the jeweller "you know,
    there is nothing in your bank account".

    To which the man replies "yes, I know that; but I had a lovely weekend".

  5. Bloody clever, but who sits down and thinks these up?


    Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated as smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."

    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"

    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral."

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

    Nelson: "We're not?"

    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

    Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."
    _____________________________
  6. hahaha!!!
    kiss me Hardy.... haha
    hillarious!!
  8. Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking. 
     
    Arlene: What in the hell is that? 
     
    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. 
     
    Arlene: Where did you get it? 
     
    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. 
     
    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. 
     
    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 
     
    "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." 
     
    The pharmacist fainted. 
  9. Originally posted by gmc:Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking. 
     
    Arlene: What in the hell is that? 
     
    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. 
     
    Arlene: Where did you get it? 
     
    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. 
     
    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. 
     
    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 
     
    "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." 
     
    The pharmacist fainted. 


  11. This is probably already on these pages, but here it is anyway...

    A census taker is making his rounds and he comes to the last door of his round, a house blaring out loud music. During a gap in the music, he knocks on the door. The door is opened by an eight year old boy. He's wearing a smoking jacket and a lit Cuban cigar is sticking out of his mouth. In one hand is a glass of champagne and on each arm is a Playboy Bunny. The census taker is taken aback, but eventually manages to splutter, "Hello, little boy, are you parents in?" The boy looks him dead in the eye and replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
  12. Originally posted by thejonner:This is probably already on these pages, but here it is anyway...

    A census taker is making his rounds and he comes to the last door of his round, a house blaring out loud music. During a gap in the music, he knocks on the door. The door is opened by an eight year old boy. He's wearing a smoking jacket and a lit Cuban cigar is sticking out of his mouth. In one hand is a glass of champagne and on each arm is a Playboy Bunny. The census taker is taken aback, but eventually manages to splutter, "Hello, little boy, are you parents in?" The boy looks him dead in the eye and replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"


    lol, that has a thumbs up from me
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Contribute to the U2 community with uploading photos or by telling us which shows you have visited.
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